btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize