i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
