i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
