I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize