i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
