Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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