i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
