Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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