FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
