i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We just shotgunned beers for America
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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