Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
