Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
