i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize