matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All I want is dick and wine.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize