ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
