Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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