I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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