This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just threw up on my dentist
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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