Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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