I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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