Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
