I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
