I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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