I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
