yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
