All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So many bounce houses so little time
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
