I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
