I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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