i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
