His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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