Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize