i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
