Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
