My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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