i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
