Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
