No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
