I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
