Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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