I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The best revenge is premature balding
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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