Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
