nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
