WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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