I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
