I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
