gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
