Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
