you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
