I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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