tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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