Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You are the jesus of drinking
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
