Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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