I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
