the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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