One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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