I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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