You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
