Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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