so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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