My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
