She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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