Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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