atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
zippers are such a cool invention
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
