you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
