sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We need to rekindle our bromance
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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