When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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