rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
