either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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