He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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