the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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