I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
