I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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