Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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