hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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